Solitude and loneliness

Mental Health Awareness Week with a theme of loneliness causes me to reflect on my own experiences.

I’ve often been called a loner. I don’t have a large circle of friends, and there are only a very small number of true friends that I can confide in. Is it a bad thing? Not necessarily.

Whether on the water in many forms of paddling, or running solo on the trails, over the years I’ve taken comfort in solitude. I value the positive aspect of self-engagement, thinking time, and the opportunity to compartmentalise my thoughts, and plan my next turn. I don’t see this as loneliness. It’s valuable time.

Over the years, I relished being exposed to the challenge and calming influence of the elements. As a boy, I became a proficient paddler, keen to find solace in a canoe to escape my troubles, whether that was some tough times at home, being bullied at school, or living through the troubles growing up in Northern Ireland. Battling against nature, learning self-responsibility, alone with my thoughts, this was precious time.

As I grew older, paddling in some form remained a backstay, whether canoeing, kayaking, sculling or rowing in a crew, mostly I preferred being alone. Lately, I paddleboard. It’s great fun, and it seemed like an obvious thing for a canoeist! On many opportunities, I value the solace of solo paddling, alone with my thoughts, as a form of great preparation for the prospect of another tough week at work.

These days, I’ve also learned a more sensible approach to trail running, decreasing my weekly quota and running for enjoyment instead of chasing seconds. I’m fortunate to live in the Land of the Prince Bishops (Durham), with some fantastic trails on the doorstep. Whether I run for half an hour or several hours, the benefits are important to me.

You don’t have to look far to find a comment like, “Running is my therapy” or suchlike. I find it an overused turn of phrase. I prefer to consider it my salvation, and I don’t say this to be melodramatic. Whether I run or paddle, it provides me with a way to compartmentalise my thoughts and boost my mindfulness. It provides a welcome dollop of fresh air, releases endorphins, and makes me enjoy the evening better, and as I sleep better, I am better prepared for the next day. A kind of legitimate homework, if you will? My social behaviour benefits from this outdoor activity, as does my capability to endure work challenges.

Exercise is therapeutic, but it is not always a suitable therapy and it is not a replacement for professional medical intervention when required. Modern life brings pressures aplenty, whether the loneliness of leadership (I challenge this statement later), the challenge of parenthood, or financial pressures – there is plenty that can flow down the river to present obstacles that sometimes you cannot navigate on your own.

So does solitude turn to loneliness? For me, I can feel alone and isolated as a leader but rarely lonely. I see loneliness as an unhappy place, where perhaps company is absent and sought. That’s not to dismiss the importance of company, and a support network. It’s why during lockdown, I set up an international business network, to prevent loneliness amongst business leaders. Everyone is different, and loneliness is a big issue for some. It’s often easy to believe that leadership is a lonely place but I challenge this. To be an effective leader, you need to seek inputs from those around you, meaning you are rarely alone. Sure, you have take responsibility for your decisions, and it is often not appropriate to discuss every aspect with your team. That’s why a support network of advisors are needed. Make sure you invest time in building this network – I’ve let this slide at times.

I also consider my responsibilities as an employer where loneliness is concerned. I ask people to work remotely, and often alone. For some this can be challenging over time. It’s important to me that we recognise this risk, to protect our employees. I have coached managers to ensure they know the importance of checking in on their teams, to use technology to keep people connected when working remotely, and to take positive steps to endorse and promote wellbeing in the workplace. I remain open-minded too, willing to try new things.

I grew up in a Northern Irish family where men didn’t talk about how they felt (although my late Mother provided care and counsel aplenty). I’ve been guilty of paddling my own canoe and neglecting to talk to others, not asking for help when I needed it. I realise better now that the stoic nature drummed into me can be my Achilles heel. I’ve seen friends and colleagues not able to talk, to get the right help, feel lonely, with sometimes utterly devastating consequences. I want to take a stand, be a good parent, husband, friend, leader and be there to listen if needed.

So here’s the deal. If anyone needs my ear, a walk, a run, a paddle, a pint, call me, and I’ll try to take my own advice too.